The other day I walked into a store, and the guy said "Hey we don't allow animals in the store!" I said " I know that's why I left them in the car"

…Hello… Is this thing on? … hello?

A funny thing happened to me on the way to the show tonight. My human got off his end of the leash and I had to make him chase me for 3 blocks before he was tired enough to heel properly.

I mean he's a great guy, but he's no rocket scientist. We've been to two different obedience schools and he still hasn't mastered loose leash walking. He's always pulling and he passes right by trees and hydrants.

Maybe I'm expecting too much, after all this guy thinks a patella is something you order at Taco Bell.

I really shouldn't complain though, at least we are getting him some exercise, because let me tell ya, there is a double standard in my house. As soon as I get a little over 18 lbs they start portioning my food with a measuring cup…. Meanwhile that guy eats with a snow shovel.

I'm not saying he's overweight, but the last time I saw a neck like that it had a jockey hanging from it.

I don't mean to be cruel, but the guy is over 30 and he still isn't house broken. I keep suggesting that they move that big white bowl closer to the door so he'll get the message, but they don't listen to me.

If it weren't for lawn care and vehicle maintenance, I think there'd be a lot more room in the bed… if you know what I mean.

But then again my whole family is crazy. Take my sister Emrys …….Please!!!

Speaking of Emrys, here's a little joke. Why did Emrys cross the road? … Because there was nobody left to annoy on her side.

Seriously folks she's more spoiled than egg salad in August. She's got more bones than the Smithsonian. The last time I tried to count all of her toys, I wound up passing out and dreaming I had died and gone to Petco.

Here's a little joke for ya. How many female Boston Terriers does it take to screw in a light bulb? … One. They just hold the bulb and the world revolves around them…

…Whoa tough crowd, tough crowd.
Don't get me wrong Emrys is ok as far as girls go, but she takes things too literally. When I told her the house needed a feminine touch, I didn't mean she should pee in every corner.

I try not to think of Emrys as a bratty little sister. I prefer to think of her as my little brindle scapegoat.

Now you notice that I have not said anything about my Momma. Nobody better say a bad word about my Momma.

My Momma is up every day at the crack of noon to thaw me something for breakfast. Sometimes she is so tired from making me breakfast that she has to go right back to bed and miss Oprah.

My Momma is a great motivator too. Emrys and I are probably the only dogs in the world that insist on wearing our seatbelts while in the car.

Momma is so considerate that every night she makes sure to burn the people food so that we won't be tempted to beg at the table.

And lastly, my Momma is such a good teacher. Every time she talks to my Daddy about us kids, she always spells out some of the words so that he can understand them.

Now I don't want you to think that I don't love my family. After all we sleep in the same bed… well except for broccoli night… but that is an understandable exception.

Thank you, you have been a great audience…. I'll be here all week… Try the veal.